“More Than a ‘Good Kid’: Letting Children Be Their Whole Selves”

As parents, we often find ourselves saying to our little ones: “You’re such a good boy” or “You’re a good girl.” It’s natural. We want to encourage them, to let them know we see and appreciate their behavior.

But if we pause and reflect, when do our children usually hear this compliment? Most often, it is when they listen to us, follow instructions, or do what is expected.

The Hidden Meaning Behind “Good”

Words like good and bad are judgments. They are subjective, and they do not capture the full complexity of a child. When we refer to a child being “good” only when they comply, we unknowingly set up a world where:

• Listening/Obedience equals good.

• Speaking up or disagreeing is not good.

This can place a heavy weight on a child’s shoulders. The label is meant to encourage, but it can also pressure them to always live up to being “good,” even if it means silencing their true feelings.

There is also the cultural aspect to consider. In some cultures where hierarchy is very strong, children are expected to listen to elders, and asking questions may be seen as disrespectful or disobedient. While this may work when a child is small, it becomes limiting as they grow older and are expected to share their ideas and express their thoughts in the larger world.

The Upside and Downside of “Good Kid”

There are benefits to using the phrase:

• Positive reinforcement: The child feels seen/heard and may repeat the beneficial behavior.

• Confidence and identity: Being “good” can give them a sense of belonging and moral compass.

• Short-term co-operation: Parents and teachers often find children comply more readily when they internalize “being good”.

  
  

Yet there are unintended consequences:

• Conditional self-worth: Children may believe they are loved only when they are “good.” Mistakes can then feel like failures, not learning opportunities.

• Pressure to perform: They may feel they must always live up to the label, leading to anxiety, perfectionism, or suppressing “negative” emotions.

• Loss of authenticity: To protect their “good kid” identity, they may hide struggles, avoid risks, or stop voicing disagreement.

Real Stories

One of my adult students shared that she hated being called a “good girl”by her family. As a child, she was praised for listening quietly and never talking back. Over time, the label became a cage. Even as an adult with wonderful ideas, she struggled to voice her opinions because the “good girl” image had been so deeply ingrained. It took years of effort to break free.

On the other hand, another young student of mine was very outspoken. They often shared their thoughts bluntly, without yet having the skill to express them with sensitivity. That did not sit well with some people around them. They were labeled a troublemaker and punished. It took a long journey to regain the courage to speak their truth without fear of labels.

A Gentle Reflection

The words we use matter. Labels like “good kid” may feel harmless at the moment, but they shape how children see themselves and how they believe love is earned.

Instead of labeling, we can notice and name the specific behaviors we appreciate:

• “You were thoughtful to share.”

• “I love how patiently you waited.”

• “That was kind of you.”

This way, we affirm their actions without tying their worth to being “good” or “bad.” Our children then have the freedom to grow, make mistakes, and still know they are loved just as they are.

✨ Reflection for parents: Today, notice one moment when your child expresses their authentic self—whether they agree with you or not. Pause, appreciate that moment, and let them know they are valued for who they are, not only for what they do.