Conscious Parenting Secrets: Why Kids Do Exactly What You Tell Them Not To?

Have you ever noticed that children often do the very thing we ask them not to?Parents often share with me during workshops, “Every time I tell my child not to do something, they do exactly that!” I smile gently and ask, “And when you tell them, do they usually reply with a quick little ‘No’?” Almost always, the answer is, “Yes, every single time!”

It’s not surprising, is it? The one word most children hear on repeat while growing up is “No.” From the time they’re toddlers, the soundtrack of their life goes something like this: No, don’t touch that. No, don’t run. No, don’t climb.

John Zulli, a hypnosis expert, explains why this happens. According to his research, our brain doesn’t really register the word “don’t.” It skips over it and clings to the action that follows. So when we say, “Don’t run,” what the child’s mind hears is “Run.” And often, they do exactly that, with even more intensity.

Experts estimate that an average child hears the word “no” about 400 times a day. Imagine that. Four hundred tiny roadblocks, every single day. It’s no wonder that both parent and child start echoing the same energy back to each other, one of resistance and pushback.

This insight made me reflect deeply, both as a parent and a coach. What if instead of telling our children what not to do, we told them what to do? Wouldn’t it be easier for them to follow? “Walk, please.” “Use gentle hands.” “Speak softly.” The instruction becomes clear, and the energy softens.

The truth is, saying “no” is quick and easy. It is an automatic reaction. It can drain both the parent and the child. Too many “no’s” can shut down curiosity, dim enthusiasm, and by the time our kids reach their teen years, even fuel rebellion. Of course, “no” has its place. It protects, it sets boundaries, it keeps our children safe. But when “no” becomes the default, it loses its power.

Saying “yes,” on the other hand, requires presence. It requires thinking. It requires us to pause, connect, and choose our response consciously instead of reacting on autopilot. And that “yes”—to a child’s energy, to their joy, to their learning—breathes life into the relationship.

I will never forget an experience from my own childhood. I was about 13 when I went with my father to a religious gathering. The air was alive with music. The style was “call and response,” and a group of young boys at the front joined in with such enthusiasm. One boy, caught up in the rhythm, kept singing the words wrong. An older man snapped at him sharply and told him to stop. The boy’s face fell. A little later, he forgot the scolding and sang again, only to be silenced once more.

After a few rounds of this, my father finally spoke up: “Sir, you keep telling the boy what not to do. But you have not told him once what the right words are. How will he ever learn?”

That moment stayed with me. Much later in my life, when I heard about this principle, I remembered this incident. Correction without direction stifles growth. But when we offer guidance, when we tell our children not just what to avoid but what to embrace, we give them the tools to flourish.

Something to experiment with:

Notice the next time “no” or don't rise automatically to your lips. Pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself, can I guide with a “yes” instead? Can I show them what to do in a way that supports learning, connection, and presence? That pause turns a reflex into a response.

Want to take it a step further?

Choose one day of the week to practice a “yes” day. But hold the intention of moving through the day with a “yes” mind. Notice how your energy feels. Notice how your child responds. Of course, you can still say no when safety or boundaries are needed.

Small shifts like these may not change everything overnight. But they shift the energy in the moment. And sometimes, that is exactly where transformation begins.